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29th August 2002
I feel like I never bloomed or came out of a proverbial shell. I don't feel like I have now, but I definitely might do so. I need an influence, many many I have but none have broken through. Maybe the blame is there, sure of it's possible place I am. Me has no idea. Maybe has had but is now lost. It's okay though, a leader doesn't lead until they have once been lead. Rest assured, no pride I have to show, the leader is not of many, the leader is of one. My slavery is broken, myself I may be found. Found smiling. :
I think I was finally true to myself.
10th August 2002
i'm looking for a place. my muse is there and she's probably rather impatient now, now that i've finally realized i'm supposed to be creating things, making things for other's enjoyment as well as my own. my muse would allow me to clean the slate of all those tears and smiles and laughs and piercing agonies that i never shared, but simply withheld. stream of consciousness seems to be my quickest route to her but the difficulty for me lies therein. :
consciousness is simply a tool for me to use so that i can find a purpose worthy of it. frequently my need to find a purpose overwhelms my sense of practicality, eliminating many of my chances at becomming a great individual in my own eyes. as it stands i'm not so close to opening my eyes more than a blurry-eyed squint at a blinding on-coming light, not nearly as much as my foolish dreams tell me they are.
I had an intriguing dream last night, full of familiar faces from the distant past up to current time.
The dream starts out I've just made some new friends (who were supposedly from a past life) and we are driving around in a jeep having a good time, visiting old places we used to hang out in the far long past, talking about people we used to know.
After awhile I take my leave and decide to nap at my parent's home. I begin the long walk and immediately arrive at my destination. As I round the corner of my parent's home a raven flying in a peculiarly spectral way, careens past my head. As it passes the bird says to me in an oddly peaceful voice, "You always were a troublemaker, not content to rest." Without a backward glance I proceed to appear in my old room, already laying down resting, with the early morning overcast visible through my window. The cool and comforting breeze wafted in the room and swirled around as if a small tornado had escaped the world for my room. As if on queue, I slept in my sleeping dream only to awake shortly thereafter. The sound of a rocking chair, creaking softly, slowly becamse noticeable to my senses. Turning to see what it was I noticed a raven-haired woman of recent adulthood watching me and then talking to me. She said many things to me for many minutes about my relationship with my father and how I should be more understanding of him. I promptly asked her that how could I, one not able to have children, possibly be understanding of a man who didn't often show his love for his only son?
"Your father loves you very much, but the distance between you is too great, and you simply aren't capable of hearing or seeing his love," she says.
I ask her how she could know that, how could she whom I've never before seen or met be so intimate into my thoughts. Maybe only a person of my own blood could tell me these things in such a heartfelt manner, but I know full well my childhood cancer eliminates the possibility of my own child, with a woman I would one day love with my being.
The woman simply replies, "I'm your daughter, silly."
I fell asleep in my dream, and woke up to a gentle breeze and an overcast morning sky.
I'm tired of over-analyzing things, the dream is still fresh in my memory, and I'll keep it there.
I am such a bastard for not updating. A big bastard. :)
Much has changed in 12 weeks and I'm unsure of the quality of those changes. All I've got to show for it is a couple more tattoos and a couple more scars (and a little belly button lint I just noticed).
I've come to the conclusion that Pepsi Blue sucks stand alone, but throw in a little vodka and you've got a killer fizzy drink. That's blue :)
I would take a picture of my new tats, but my digital camera was accidentally left plugged into my USB port for a week. The replacement batteries are still "on their way home" from the store, and I have laundry to do. Pocket full of quarters, they rally round the family.
13th May 2002
like whoa :
if anyone knows of a single, 20-ish female who's smart, funny, and attractive, feel free to laugh in my face...
like she did :(
29th March 2002
Moving out today =D :
More info later, these are the days of our lives.
26th March 2002
proof that i move in my sleep. that's the wrong end of my bed. maybe that explains all my falling dreams... hmm. :
today was a hell of a day. the emotional frustration and timeless decadence of my belovedly bedeviled job has driven me to a crossroads of strangely amusing confusion as to what proffessional pursuit i should endeavor towards completing my education and specialization in, for my future and sanity's sakes. most notably sanity. :
i ordered a couple timeless treasures for the modern day individual the other day from a Spanish delicattessan named Spirit's Corner. http://www.spiritscorner.com/
i wasn't aware that among a few fine wines, cognacs and absinthes', they also carried a great selection of Cuban cigars. boy that made my day. that and the daydream image of me laying in a hammock during a humid St Louis summer night in a warm, light rain while lovingly sipping on a tumbler of 35 year old Spanish dark rum and an exoticly spicy and complex (and illegal) $23 Cuban cigar. all while bumpin' some ecclectic mixes of music. Wayne Static, select NIN, Sevendust, some Bush, David Bowie, the list goes on :)
that's today's fantasy for you. somewhere in that fantasy i know there's got to be a girl for me.
I am a subtle taste, like Pine.
I am a quiet, fresh taste, almost more of a scent than a flavour. You will be aware of me, but not quite remember me without being reminded. Not that I'm boring; on the contrary, I'm just a little outside the ordinary. What Flavour Are You?
Here's a bizarre one. Anyone familiar with the flavor of pine? Anyone? Anyone?
24th March 2002
I would like to have a Yuzu fruit tree for my birthday. It's like a peach but tangy. -er. That's a Japanese tree for ya. If it's not bent the wrong way, the fruit tastes wrong :D :
Almost got into a fight with a tool at work today. Self-control won out. After all, they just gave me a raise (it's hush-hush though, nobody knows but the MAN).
I even managed to wear my snazzy blue glasses for 16 hours straight :o All day at work, then afterwards when I went partying. Hehe, I'm just that funny.
23rd March 2002
Long day at work, longer one tommorrow. :
I'm off to do some serious nothing. Buh-bye.
22nd March 2002
As Cale, you have a natural interest in the welfare of your fellow man, and a desire to help and serve others in a humanitarian way. You are responsible and generous, although somewhat scattering and disorganized at times. Any jobs requiring systematic and conscientious effort, or involving any form of drudgery, dismay you. In your work, you would seek a position offering self-expression through contact with people, such as sales or teaching, or a position giving scope to your creative, artistic talents. You are good-natured and likeable, and people tend to confide in you and seek your advice in personal problems. Others sense your sincere interest and desire to help, and you can always be counted on to see the bright side of any problem. You enjoy making others happy and you never let your own problems "get you down" for any length of time, even though you do tend to worry too much at times. Your optimism can be a source of inspiration to others as well as yourself. In close personal relationships you are usually thoughtful and considerate. However, your natural interest in others, coupled with your sympathetic reaction to problems, could draw you into emotional situations which may be difficult to get out of. Health weakness would appear as skin conditions or ailments relative to the liver. A tendency to overeat quick-energy foods aggravates any health problems.
Winamp 3 is kinda sweet. Although I can't figure out how to use any presets for the EQ. Oh well.
Good morning to the internet from St Louis
21st March 2002
oh, one last thing. it's quite possible people who do noteworthy things are schizotypal. :
note to self: do something noteworthy.
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Wonder if I'll strike out today.
maybe i could join a band and sing about this shit. :
i used to dream of heroics and bravery, saving the day and getting the girl. sometimes you want something so bad it backfires on you -- never realizing. :
having been content with daily life, with just a hint of something lacking, i finally see the facade of myself to myself. i want to break the complex and aggravating cycle.
all i ever wanted was a friend. i could never let myself accept what i had.
even now i find myself doubting the greatest thing i EVER had. it's fucking bullshit. i don't even want to do it, but that's not stopping it.
200 miles per hour... thats how fast i seem to go. i need something real again. before i go numb. i need something beautiful. :
i wonder if i'm a classifiable virus : /
no, i'm a sinner.
A prefix in composition denoting ill,or evil, F. male, adv., fr. malus, bad, ill. In some words it has the form male-, as in malediction.
Time to reactivate this thing.
Thought there was a reason I listened to that song a million times. :
Karma bites you more than you realize.
15th September 2001
i am glad to see so many people are all well. :
even though i'm far away from all this, i feel like it was my heart that collapsed. i have recurring nightmares of seeing the towers fall. i dream of nostradamus... to suddenly wake up in a cold sweat.
in all actuality i think that as heartbreaking as this was, it's awakened many people. their living daze of being safe in the most powerful country on earth, is not unlike in discovering the terror of the immortal, finding out he's not entirely immortal. my mad ravings aside i honestly believe this one day, September 11th, will do more for bringing the world closer together then the United Nations could ever hope. people will cope with hate and prejudice...